paragonikathryn:

falstafff:

i don’t understand why people don’t instantly respond to “what would your dream superpower be” with the ability to manipulate probability.
think about it. what’s the chance someone will drop 1mil in front of me? 0%? let’s make that 100%. what’s the probability i’ll wake up tomorrow and be X gender? 100%. what’s the probability my bathtub is filled with mac and cheese? 100%.

This is genius

Why can’t rappers rap about nice things?

anna-mator:

demigodofmypants:

senzaspazi:

  • YEAH GIRL I’MMA TAKE YOUR CLOTHES OFF AND
  • put them in a closet for you cause it’s polite
  • YEAH BABY THAT’S RIGHT IMMA PICK YOU UP AND
  • carry you to your bed cause baby I know you tired
  • OH GIRL IMA SLAP DAT
  • broom out of your hand because you’ve had a long day at work, and i can do it myself. 
  • WAIT TILL YOU SEE MA
  • collection of politely worded love letters.

 #So basically if Tom Hiddleston was a rapper

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oiruman:

ufoattack:

oiruman:

i am kind of sad ok

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this cat’s name is Princess Monster Truck

thank you

  • Tina Fey: You know, when the producers of this event first called us, last night, I said, “It’s three in the morning! Who died?” And they explained that everything was fine, it’s just that they were planning a comedy event, and no women had agreed to show up. So I said, “What award is Jerry Lewis getting?” And they said, “No, no, it’s not Jerry Lewis. It’s Don Rickles.” So I said, “Oh, Don Rickles is the best. Amy and I would love to come to your event.” And they said, “Wait, how are we calling you and Amy in the same bed?” [I said] “Don’t worry about it. It doesn’t concern you.”
  • Amy Poehler: So here we are, because they thought it was important for Don to be honored by at least one woman, which, apparently, is what we count as.